The countdown begins

Roger's in town! My old buddy from Reno (who now lives in Salt Lake) is here for a conference. We met for dinner last night and I'll see him again on Wednesday. Great seeing him, he's always fun to chat with. No matter how long it's been since I've seen him it's always like we saw one another just last week.

Looks like Ken and I will be meeting for dinner on Friday. This is a good thing. I'm getting a few days to get my emotions and thoughts in order so that I don't overwhelm him when we meet. I'm torn between how strategic I need to be vs. how organic and honest I need to be. Part of the problem is I'm not totally sure exactly how I feel or how quickly/slowly I would like things to progress. I'm such an analyst. Guess that's why I'm so good at my job. I can take even the simplest of things and over analyze them to death. Not that I think this is a simple situation. There's a lot going on here. I'm experiencing a major shift in my thought process that could radically change most aspects of my life.

Something that I really didn't get from My Guy was just how do you know what it is you want? How do you know that 'A' is better for you than 'B'. I know it sounds like the easiest thing in the world to have choices and pick the one you like best. But it really isn't. Roger and I spoke a bit last night about being at this point in our lives and still being single. I suggested that for me part of the problem is being paralyzed by decision.

Another book I started reading (and have yet to finish) is The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. The premise of the book is that our consumer society is overwhelmed by choices for everything in our lives and that such over-abundance of choice actually leads to a paralysis where we are unable to make any decision. To illustrate his point, the author points out that in his local supermarket there are 285 varieties of cookies. In the chocolate chip category alone there are no less than 21 different options to choose from. How can you possibly do a meaningful evaluation of 285 varieties of cookies? Although I sometimes find myself having difficulty making a buying choice, my friend Donna is the personification of this disability. I'm not kidding when I say that since I've known this wonderful woman (and we're talking about 6 years now) she has been shopping for computers and digital cameras. A coworker recently had a new Dell computer for sale and she took the plunge and bought a new computer! I do totally understand this paralysis though. With so many choices and so many opinions on so many choices, it's a wonder we ever buy anything.

The real question of course is how do I think that pertains to relationships? Let's see if this makes any sense. As Roger and I were talking about being single, he said something that immediately made sense. Roger said that his reluctance to choose to be in a committed and monogamous relationship would mean that... well, he would then be IN a committed and monogamous relationship.

The underlying fear of course is what happens when someone better comes along. Is 'Guy A' standing in front of me the best I can do? What if another "better" person comes along and I'm not able to choose him because I've already "settled" for the guy I'm with. Have we become so accustomed to, or perhaps paralyzed by, our unending choices that we're conditioned to always be looking for the "something better" that's just around the corner and in the process we never realize that the ultimate and perfect choice is not a reality. For that matter, in always searching for the "perfect match" are we just ensuring that we stay single?

Something that has always astonished me was the men who have defined down to the most excruciating detail every physical aspect of the guy they are looking for. I swear that I have seen personal ads where the seeker states (unequivocally) what he is looking for like this: You be: 6'1" to 6'4", 155-175 pounds, blond hair, blue eyes... and you can just imagine where the size requirements go from there. In some ways I admire someone who has such a clear vision of what he is looking for, on the other hand I think it's bull shit.

Finding a guy that you connect with and would like to spend the rest of your life with just can't be boiled down to a series of measurements. Yes, there needs to be an attraction between two people, I'll give you that. But to have narrowed your window of acceptable so dramatically just means that very few (if any) of an already limited population even meet your criteria. It's really just a matter of odds. The less fanatical you are with your acceptability criteria, the more frequently you'll find someone who is a candidate as a partner.