The Exhaustion of a Soul

The eyelids heavy from seeing nothing
The limbs stiff from lifting nothing
The breathing labored from doing nothing
The spirit empty from feeling nothing

Is it the lack of sun
Has love simply passed by
Does life have no deeper meaning
Is it the same for everyone

Do others understand
How do others see beyond
Can others overlook
Why might another ever care

Why is life so heavy
How did love escape
When did youth deplete
Why does it feel too late

Anonymous

Goodbye HBO, So Long Showtime

Reason finally prevailed. It was a combination of things that tipped me over the edge and prompted me to dial 1-800-Comcast, but the deed is done. It was a gradual climb. Kind of like the story about how you can boil a frog to death by putting him in cool water and slowly increasing the temperature until… well, you know how that story ends. Comcast just kept having these seemingly insignificant price hikes. A few dollars here, a few dollars there until I was paying (you may want to set down for this) nearly $140 per month! I may not be a math whiz, but even I can figure out that that comes out to almost $1,700 per year! One thousand seven hundred dollars per year. ONE THOUSAND… OK, you get the picture.

To be fair, that is for my internet and cable bill combined. I’m not quite foolish enough to spend that kind of money on TV alone. Dialing back my cable to basic digital (which still includes about 100 channels) I’ve reduced my combined cable and internet bill to about $70.

Oddly enough, it wasn’t seeing the gargantuan bill month after month that caused me to finally wise up. It actually came about in conjunction with a book I was reading called The Automatic Millionaire. I agree; it’s a stupid name for a book. However, it is short and contains a handful of common-sense suggestions for getting one’s financial house in order. There is nothing earth shattering, and nothing that I haven’t heard before, in fact most of the things in the book I’m already doing. One of the more irritatingly dumbed-down concepts the author employs to uncover the hoards of cash we all piss away each month is referred to as “The Latte Factor.” Again, an irritating title, but the underlying concept is sound. It calls for simply paying attention to those everyday purchases or reoccurring expenses that we take for granted and are semi-blind to. As you might guess, the author uses a daily diet of Starbucks coffee and a muffin to illustrate how you might be throwing away money blindly and yet claiming that you just don’t have the extra cash to do any investing. Although I am already investing very aggressively, I just couldn’t stop thinking about the absurdity of spending well over $100 a month, basically on entertainment.

So, it’s goodbye to HBO Sunday nights and Showtime originals. I’ll miss you… although I’ll miss you much less now that Sex and the City has run its course. I seldom watched any movies on the premium channels. Mostly just the original programming like Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, Dead Like Me. While this original programming is brilliant and there is absolutely nothing on TV like it, the “seasons” for these shows is nothing like network programming. For one thing, each season consists of between 10 to 15 episodes. That’s about 1/2 of the episodes in a typical network season. But even more damning, the seasons for these wonderful shows are sometimes 12 to 18 months apart! As one season ends, you know it will be at least a year and probably longer before you’ll see another new one. I finally realized that I can buy the entire season of the handful of programs on DVD for a small fraction of the cost of subscribing to the service all year long. Sorry Six Feet Under and The Sopranos, I’ll miss you Huff! and Dead Like Me, but Comcast finally price gouged you right out of my budget.

Solitude

Dictionary.com defines solitude like this:

sol·i·tude
noun

1. The state or quality of being alone or remote from others.
2. A lonely or secluded place.

Thesaurus.com has these matching entries for solitude:

Entry: desert
Function: noun
Definition: wasteland

Entry: desolation
Function: noun
Definition: barrenness

Entry: seclusion
Function: noun
Definition: isolation

Entry: secrecy
Function: noun
Definition: concealment

Hmm. Not much positive sounding stuff in that lot, now is there? And yet, in the quiet times, when I come face-to-face with my life, I cannot escape the realization that my existence is evolving into one being gradually consumed by solitude. Now, those of you with whom I spend time and share many laughs will no doubt have difficulty accepting my self-evaluation. How, you might be asking, could I possibly view my life as remote or lonely when I spend time with friends sharing a meal, movie, or play, or simply just passing some time in idle chit-chat at Starbucks?

It’s a good question, I grant you. But I think there is an answer, or at least some intriguing ideas. While I do whole-heartedly enjoy the time I spend with others, those social moments represent no more than a blip of time in comparison to the time I selfishly guard as alone time. Just to be clear here, this is not the plea of a lonely man for companionship! Rather, I mention it only to help you understand the introspection that follows.

I’m someone who lives inside. No, not like in a house, we all do that. I mean, I live inside my head. For the bits of my life that I share with others, there is a vast profusion of thought that has gone on in the grey matter to arrive at the distillation of thought that gets shared. Given how endlessly chatty I can be, I’m sure that shocks and scares many of you to know that what you hear is but the tiny tip of the iceberg of thought that has transpired to produce the bits that I share. Count yourselves lucky!

I spend a substantial amount of my time alone. That is, to some degree, by choice. The question now becomes, "Why"? Is it purely by choice that I have, not infrequently, found myself leaving for work on Monday morning suddenly struck by the realization that I am stepping outside for the first time since Friday night? Setting aside the fact that I just need to get more exercise than that, is being alone that much something I should worry about?

There is, of course, a thread here to earlier posts in this blog. I have written about making a concerted effort to find a partner. In the back of my mind there was this nagging thought about solitude. I alluded to it earlier when I wrote about the balance between "wanting to be with someone" more than "wanting to be alone" and how that tipping of the scale may be what causes someone to finally “find” a partner. But this treatise takes that thought in a different direction.

Are some people content to live lives of solitude? It is possible that the desire to be alone a majority of the time isn’t pathology, but rather, an acceptable learned behavior, or possibly an inherited behavior? Does depression spring from being alone, or does the depression come from the guilt felt because the desire to be alone exists? If I were to embrace my need for solitude, rather than feel guilty and somehow wrong for having the desire, would I ultimately be a happier and more productive person? After all, it is only in the times of solitude that I am quiet enough to write. It is only in the times of solitude that I am able to search beneath the surface and pull up the underlayment of my life to find what has slipped through the fibers and lurks beneath the obvious.

I have long known this fundamental truth about myself: I require a substantial amount of “regeneration time” to recuperate from being the person that I am in social situations (be they work or pleasure). Many of the personality profile tests explain it in the following way. In a social situation, either a party or even an one-on-one casual encounter, extroverts are energized. They feed off the energy of other people and go away recharged and invigorated looking for more of the same. On the other hand, introverts like me, find being social an exhausting affair. Instead of walking away filled with energy, we walk away looking for a quiet place to disengage and regenerate. Not that I don’t enjoy being social. I DO! But the two types of personalities are left in distinctly different states by the same encounter.

Does the amount of solitude I require to remain socially functional preclude me from sharing my life with a full-time partner? Would simply being in the presence of another human being that much prevent me from getting my needed regeneration time? I have often joked that the only reason Alan and I dated for so long was because we seldom ever saw one another, and the only reason Dennis and I dated for so long was because he slept most of the time we spent together. So, baring a long-distance or narcoleptic partner, is this just one aspect of life that I need to be aware of in searching for a partner? Or, is that really the test of a good match? Would I no longer require nor desire to have so much solitude if I were to find the “right guy”?

I hope you weren’t expecting answers to these questions. I don’t really have any. Although I many not be able to answer the why’s and how’s of the matter, I have to believe that there is value in simply voicing the questions and that just accepting that the desire for solitude exists makes it a little less scary to be alone.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's been a quiet day here today. I woke up late, watched some TV, played on the computer, talked on the phone. Just took things easy. I have to work tomorrow so there wasn't any use in traveling anywhere. This morning I realized that I'd forgotten a vital Thanksgiving ingredient at the store yesterday. I didn't have any gravy. It was about 10:00 and I hadn't even showered yet. The last thing I wanted to do was make a dash to the store. It was raining and cold out, a lovely day to not go outside at all. I called mom to find out if there was some magic way to make gravy without any gravy-like things in the house. Apparently there isn't. I did have a can of Chunky Chicken Soup. While on the phone I asked her if blending that up and adding some cornstarch to thicken it might be a viable substitute. Always the optimist, Mom said to give it a try. All I can say is, don't try this at home folks. Now, you'd think that I would have known better. After having two gastric bypass surgeries where I was relegated to stuff that came out of the blender for several weeks post-op, I know what stuff that wasn't designed for blending tastes like when you blend it anyway. Chunky Chicken Soup isn't made for blending.

So, off to the store I went. Oh, and apparently I've broken some Thanksgiving law since I bought a Costco rotisserie chicken for "Turkey day." I was teased endlessly yesterday at work. Talk about narrow-minded. It's a bird isn't it? Probably even a cousin or something. I'm not an expert in fowl lineage, but they seem awfully darn similar to me, other than the obvious size differences. Lilly (my cat) loves those Costco chickens too. I swear she can smell it when I'm still out in the hallway. By the time I get halfway to the kitchen she is tangled up in my feet. I'm sure she's hoping I'll fall and then the whole thing will be hers. Anyway, Albertson's had that turkey gravy in a jar on sale for $1.00. Since the regular price is like $2.80 this seems like a steal to me. I bought 6 jars. Just can't pass up a deal. Now I know you're thinking... but didn't you just say you were having chicken, not turkey. Yes, good to see you were paying attention. I would have bought chicken gravy if they had had chicken gravy, but they didn't. This seems way out of line to me. There are one, maybe two times a year when you cook up a big turkey to eat it and need the accompanying gravy. But we eat chickens all year long. They aren't constrained to such a short holiday season. Why wouldn't they have chicken gravy in a jar? Maybe I should have asked.

Now that I have a spare 5 jars of the stuff in my cupboard it seems like a bad time to find out that I don't really care for the taste of the turkey gravy in a jar. I don't know that the chicken gravy in a jar (if there were such a thing) would have been any better, but there is something just not right with the turkey gravy in a jar. It looks normal, so it's not a consistency thing. It just tastes funny. Dangit. I'll have to find one of those food donation bins I guess. Sure glad they were only $.1.00 each. I really just prefer a bit more butter on my mashed potatoes anyway. I should have skipped the whole gravy fiasco.

MSNBC - Thanksgiving Travel

MSNBC - Weather snarls holiday travelers’ plans:

NBC, MSNBC and news services
Updated: 6:32 p.m. ET Nov. 24, 2004

"Thanksgiving weekend travelers crowded airports, bus and train stations, and highways Wednesday, putting up with bad weather that caused major delays at many major airports, including waits of 4½ hours at Chicago’s O’Hare, the nation’s busiest.
As the Thanksgiving holiday exodus hit its stride, delays were being reported at several major airports, and motorists in the Midwest and Great Lakes were encountering problems including accumulations of as much as half a foot of snow in some places."

Eeek! This is just scary. I cannot imagine traveling over this holiday. As much as I'd love to see Mom and enjoy some of her yummy turkey day cooking, I'd hate trying to get through the airport. Thank you Mom for understanding. {{HUGS}}

Such a productive day...

So, because I have so much to do and am so engaged at work, here's what I spent my day on today. Yes, I could easily get fired for this--which would totally complete the irony of the situation. So, shhhhh, don't tell anyone where you saw this. :-) And although I'm sure it's obvious, the hatchet is a reference to getting the ax at work. Although, I did talk to a former manager and she is convinced that Cingular won't be laying off many IT people in 2005. The cynical side of me thinks that they won't be laying anyone off in 2005 because then they'd be forced to pay expensive severance. Oh, and AT&T Wireless' buyout agreement with Cingular expires Jan 1, 2006, so after that they don't have to give us the severance package that is in place now. I know, I know, this is all very negative. But you know what, I'm just in a negative mood today so deal with it.

Orange is such an oppressive color.

Well, we're now a few weeks into being eaten by Cingular, and in most ways you would never know it has happened. Here in Bothell we haven't seen so much as a stray orange balloon or a motivational poster with the Cingular "Jack" bouncing around on it.Walking into the building you would never know that we weren't still AT&T Wireless. This is a bit curious to most of us. Although we didn't know what to expect, we did expect something! I work in Information Technology (IT). For several years we have known that there were just too many of us for AT&T Wireless to support. With the acquisition by Cingular, the combined company now has over double the IT staff that AT&T Wireless had. That's a bad thing.

What is most telling is that in other business units in the company "the party is on!" Cingular has gone all out to welcome the AT&T Wireless fraud center and care center staff into the new company. And I'm not talking balloons and motivational posters either (although those are involved as well). In California, they rented the Staples Center and held an enormous rally. Oh, and the Staples Center is a gigantic arena where things like LA Lakers games are played. Here in Bothell you can still hear the crickets chirping.

A memo from the Cingular CEO that strayed into commoner's hands clearly sets out the Cingular staffing strategy. By the 2nd Quarter 2005 (April 1), he wants to have 62.5% as many employees as he has today. In other words, he wants to lay off 37.5% of the employees that he currently has. Now, that alone doesn't necessarily mean that I'm one of the over 1 in 3 employees who'll get the ax. As long as you are hooked to someone who knows you and is in a position to keep you, things should be OK. Well, that's where the second hammer falls. Since Jawaid (or any other manager I've ever worked for) was not chosen for a leadership position, nobody knows anyone in my group. Since Cingular is going to have to make such sweeping staff cuts, the only feasible way to do that will be to eliminate entire groups that are redundant. The third strike that will probably count me out is that Cingular is very happy with their current fraud systems and fraud support staff... guess what I've worked on for the 5 years I've been at AT&T Wireless... yup--Fraud.

So, this is not the best of news. However, a change wouldn't be all bad at this point. Working for AT&T Wireless has been a great experience.
My skills and abilities have grown tremendously, as has my professional confidence. I've been thinking for some time about what type of career I would like to move into when this gig ends. As I've talked to many about in the past, I'm again intrigued by Trader Joe's. It's such an interesting company and I miss the retail experience in many ways. If I do get laid off, it will be a good time to relax a bit and investigate some opportunities. I will be getting a substantial layoff package, so won't be panicked about finding a new job the first week. My plan is to take some time and investigate some possible career changes that would be totally different from what I'm doing today.

The Seattle Times: No-fault divorce the next battle?

If this doesn't shock moderate Bush voters back into reality then nothing will. The conservative right isn't satisfied to simply ban gay marriage; they are looking deeper at what they believe to be the larger problems with society, such as the reaffirmation of "lifetime fidelity," plague of "casual divorce" and acceptance of "deliberate childlessness". If those agendas don't tell you that this group is out of touch with modern society, then nothing will... particularly that last one! You've got to be riding on a damn literal translation of the bible to be spoutin' off against married couples choosing to be childless.

The Seattle Times: No-fault divorce the next battle? "NEW YORK--'Protection of marriage' is now the watchword for many activists fighting to prevent gays and lesbians from marrying. Some conservatives, however, say marriage in America began unraveling long before the latest gay-rights push and are pleading for a fresh, soul-searching look at the institution.
'When you talk about protecting marriage, you need to talk about divorce,' said Bryce Christensen, a Southern Utah University professor who writes frequently about family issues.
While Christensen doesn't oppose the campaign to enact state and federal bans on gay marriage, he worries it's distracting from immediate threats to marriage's place in society.
'If those initiatives are part of a broader effort to reaffirm lifetime fidelity in marriage, they're worthwhile,' he said. 'If they're isolated--if we don't address cohabitation and casual divorce and deliberate childlessness--then I think they're futile and will be brushed aside.' "

What thinking American can fail to draw the comparison between the Religious Right's agenda and the oppressive religious regimes that we are supposedly fighting against in the Middle East? Isn't controlling religious zealotry the cover story for our attempts to "democratize" the Islamic nations? How can we possibly be preaching tolerance of differing convictions abroad when we are hell-bent to eliminate just such tolerance here at home?

Frontline: Is Wal-Mart Good for America?

Frontline: Is Wal-Mart Good for America?: "In Circleville, Ohio, population 13,000, the local RCA television-manufacturing plant was once a source of good jobs with good pay and benefits. But in late 2003, RCA's owner, Thomson Consumer Electronics, lost a sizeable portion of its production orders and six months later shut the plant down, throwing 1,000 people out of work.

Thomson's jobs have moved to China, where cheap labor manufactures what the American consumer desires -- from clothing to electronics -- and can buy at 'everyday low prices' at the local Wal-Mart."

This was a very interesting Frontline this week on PBS. The program looks at Wal-Mart from a different angle than I've seen before. Instead of focusing on the in-store jobs that Wal-Mart creates (and whether they are good or bad) it looks at the impact that Wal-Mart has on the manufacturing industry in America. It is astounding how powerful the largest retailer in the world has become. One of the most fascinating things to me was how Wal-Mart and other giant retailers have changed the manufacturing model from a push model to a pull model. In the push model, manufacturers decide what products they will produce and then market them to retailers. What the power of Wal-Mart and retailers of its ilk have done is switch that model to a pull model. The retailers tell the manufacturers what products they want and what they will pay for them. In Wal-Mart's case, they exercise extraordinary control over the manufacturing process as well as the profit margin of the manufacturer. This change represents an absolutely astonishing revolution in the retailing process. There are a couple of economists on the program with varying opinions, and while I don't count myself expert enough in economics and geo-political relations to have a definite opinion, I do find the discussion fascinating. Catch this Frontline show if you get a chance!

They really are The Incredibles!

Donna and I went to see The Incredibles tonight! SO FUNNY! Totally deserves the excellent reviews it has gotten. It's the best movie I've seen in ages. It was playing in Edmonds. We have the coolest little theater right down the street from me. It's one screen and was totally remodeled just a few years ago so it looks great and has a new sound system.

I walked down early to get our tickets for the 4:30 show. I got there crazy early so walked around downtown for a while. I can't believe how much has changed down there! Good grief, I live a 5 minute walk away and haven't been down there in probably a year. There are new restaurants, new stores, and so many people! There's a new burger shop opening up soon too. That should be cool. After the movie Donna and I went to the Thai place right next door to the theater. We got ripped off on a $9.00 plate of appetizers that were worth about $3.00, but my entree was good. Donna's looked kind of plain.

The last time I was downtown there was a kitchen store right across from the fountain. Like I said, it was probably a year ago that I was there, but when I strolled through the store I noticed the guy running the place. An older, really nice looking man. Although I have hideous gaydar, I was pretty sure he was gay. So today I wandered around the corner and found that the store wasn't even there anymore! I was kind of disappointed since I thought it would be fun to wander through again and see if he was there. So instead I headed down to the ferry. On my way I saw a new store called "Housewares," so I wandered in to look around. Well, low and behold, it was the same guy, he just moved his store.

When I walked in I saw him helping a woman with something big she had bought. He was headed towards the door with her and as we passed we made serious eye contact and exchanged nice smiles as well as "hi, how ya doing?" OK, so it wasn't much, but it was a start. I lingered for a while but he never made it back. So I'm thinking there must be a kitchen gadget or two that I can't live without. I'll have to go in several times and buy them one at a time. :-)

Yahoo! News - Violence Breaks Out All Over Baghdad

Yahoo! News - Violence Breaks Out All Over Baghdad: "BAGHDAD, Iraq - Baghdad exploded in violence Saturday, as insurgents attacked a U.S. patrol and a police station, assassinated four government employees and detonated several bombs. One American soldier was killed and nine were wounded during clashes that also left three Iraqi troops and a police officer dead."

The news on the war just continues to be one step forward two steps back. How will this horrific war ever end?

I survived!

So, tonight was the night. The big date with Ken. I'd tell you how it went, but I'm sure that would just be beyond boring. OK, kidding. I'm not sure that tonight could have gone any better if I had written the script, designed the set, and directed the scene myself. Now, before you go off with some wild assumption that I'm madly in love, whoa! Hold on to your horses there sister! No, I'm not madly in love.

It was great seeing Ken again. I was comfortable and enjoyed an effortless conversation. Ken is a handsome guy and I did enjoy having dinner tonight. I was at ease right from the start and stuck to the plan of not getting too hot and heavy into anything right off the bat. Good plan. Good plan. We chatted about his classes (he's currently in nursing school), AT&T Wireless (the other evil empire), dating, family, etc.

Toward the end of dinner I decided to tell him a bit about the transformation of thought that I've been having the past few weeks. It's funny that we both agreed on how we have bitched and moaned about not having anyone in our lives and yet seem to frequently go out of our way to make sure it stays that way. I apologized for being a lousy friend over the years and said that I would like to spend more time with him. Very casually and somewhat off-handedly I mentioned that I've always enjoyed being with him and I'd like to spend more time together and see if we might find a dating spark there. He agreed and said that he had told other friends about me and had said to them that we always get along great and are at ease with one another, but never really knew why we hadn't progressed to a dating relationship.

There were a few things that happened tonight that I wasn't expecting though. First, after a few hours chatting and having dinner, I was ready to come home and didn't want to invite him home with me. I don't know whether he was expecting that or not, but I was satisfied with the time we spent together. Also, I've had a long week and I'm exhausted after a short night last night.

When we were looking for a time to meet, Ken had said that he was busy for the next two weekends. That had made me wonder if he might be dating someone or something, so I quizzed him about it AFTER I had told him that I'd like to see more of him. That wasn't accidental. Regardless of his "situation" I wanted to be open and tell him what I was thinking. I figured if he said he was seeing someone then I'd lose my nerve or it would just be weird to tell him. So, the story is that he's going to Rhode Island to meet a guy that he met online. He said they met in a chat room and have spoken on the phone numerous times. Believe it or not, this news didn't bother me even a tiny bit! No, seriously. Even to me this sounds like I might be overcompensating and just "saying" that it didn't bother me, but it really didn't.

So, what the hell does that mean? Again, I'm going to try and not over analyze this, but I was very surprised that I could hear Ken was flying off across the country to stay with an online acquaintance for a week and not be at least a bit disappointed. But I wasn't. Does it mean that there just isn't a real spark there between us and that's why we could travel together and spend time together and not have anything develop? Ken and I talked tonight about how we have both actively avoided getting into another relationship and how in both our cases we can point to our first real love relationships as the probable cause of our avoidance of another. Like him, I was deeply wounded by the failure of my first relationship. It sounds funny even to call it a relationship. If you stuck all the minutes that Alan and I ever physically spent in the same room together I doubt that it would total much more than 3 weeks or so. The longest contiguous stretch of time we were together was a seemingly endless weekend taking the train from SF to Seattle and back. God, that was a hellish trip.

Soon after we met Alan moved to CA while I still lived in Reno. I went to see him on the weekends for a few months, but we never really progressed beyond a weird infatuation with one another. And yet, I was insanely attracted to him and terribly, terribly attached. I've joked that I was like a baby duck just coming out of the shell. The first thing I saw was Alan and I imprinted on him. Although just a few months into our "relationship," less than 1 week before he was going to move back to Reno and move in with me, he sent me an email breaking up with me. I was beyond devastated. Why it surprised me, I don't know. There had scarcely been a second of Alan and my time together that hadn't been wracked by drama. From his tearfully telling me he didn't want to see me again after our first date, to him calling me from work just hours later asking me to fogive him and assuring me that he'd made a mistake, it was just the foreshadow of things to come... How did I not see that train wreck coming? And yet, following this experience I spent several years believing that his coming back to me was just around the corner. If I were just patient then he'd be back. I believed that until about the 3rd year of his live-in relationship with George (whom Alan is still with today, a 9+ year relationship).

Anyway, how I do digress. Since Alan, I have never "felt" what I felt with him. Since Alan I have never opened up and let a guy in like I did with him. Why? Is it because I've never met anyone else who made me feel that way? Is it because "feeling that way" isn't real and I shouldn't expect it? Is it because It was so difficult the first time that I'm too protective of myself to let anyone in again? To be quite honest, I have no idea. Not even a single clue.

Well now. That went in a weird direction. One funny thing happened tonight. Something that made me remember one of the most annoying things about Ken. The bill came for dinner, and although I had planned to buy since he is a starving student, he never made a flinch towards his wallet. This was a major irritation I had with him when we went to Vancouver for the weekend. I paid for EVERYTHING and he seldom even mentioned it. So, tonight I paid for dinner and his 2 drinks and not a single word about it. That really does irritate the hell out of me. He did redeem himself somewhat. A bit ago he sent an email thanking me for dinner and saying he thought he'd forgotten to thank me at the restaurant.

Damnit, I hate traffic!

It took me almost 90 minutes to get home tonight. Whenever you leave Bothell after 5:00 you're totally screwed. And something had gone wrong on 405 South and it was backed up clear to Alderwood Mall so that meant those of us trying to go North on 405 couldn't even get to the damn freeway! I'm just glad I don't have to drive that stupid road from Redmond anymore.

Hell, I may not have to drive the road from Bothell much longer. Talked to Jawaid today and things are looking pretty grim for my career at Cingular. My group has yet to get any new work to do or even get roped in and told what group or kind of work we'll get assigned. It's inevitable that Cingular must reduce staff and they are apparently very happy with their own fraud systems... well, that's what I've been doing for my 5 years at AT&T so it's likely there won't be a spot for me. I'm actually fine with that. What disappoints me most is that Jawaid won't be my supervisor. I have so enjoyed working for this kind and thoughtful man. The idea of getting thrown into some new group with all new people and a new supervisor just kills me. If I have to go through that I'd almost rather just get a severence package and move on to another company. It's been really tough watching a premier brand such as AT&T Wireless die a slow death. When I went to work there I really thought that would be a place I could retire from. Althought I wouldn't mind moving on, I'm also deeply disappointed that AT&T Wireless died.

The opening of President Clinton's library in Little Rock was quite interesting today. The two Bushes, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton. The coverage on MSNBC about how ineloquent the Bushes are was terribly funny. Although a remark by the older Bush was good.

“It has to be said that Bill Clinton was one of the most gifted American political figures in modern times. Believe me — I learned that the hard way,” the elder Bush said to uproarious laughter. “He made it look too easy, and oh, how I hated him for that.”

A bit of sour grapes too, but mostly a self-effacing statement. It's good to see Clinton looking good and sounding good. As always, he spoke well and reminded me of what it was like to not absolutely hate politics.

This has to be the oddest story of the year. Some woman has been holding on to a grilled cheese sandwich that she says has the image of the Virgin Mary on it. Even odder is she wants to share it with the world so has put it on eBay to sell. It makes you wonder how the human race has survived this long, doesn't it? Since Iknow you are dying to read all about this, here is the link to the CNN story.

Expectations

Time really is my friend. When I think of the mess I could have made of things with Ken had we actually met up last weekend I just shudder. My emotions were running so high that I'm sure he would have thought I had lost my mind completely. Or worse, that I was a psycho queen that he must avoid at all cost. This week has really allowed me to take some deep breaths and realize that I need keep Friday in perspective. I'm having dinner with a nice guy I haven't seen in at least a year. This guy probably has a bit of an attitude about me since I've been such an ass in the past.

That's all Friday is. If things go well then great! I'll plan more time with him and look at moving the relationship along. So, relax and breath deep. Setting unreasonable expectations for our date will make me too nervous to have fun and just be myself. And if we are going to have more than friendship then it's the real me he's going to have to see, not the stressed out and desperate me that I was last weekend.

Ok, one other possibility here that I need to keep in mind. There is a possibility that he has met someone and is dating again. He is busy on the weekends. And although his online journal doesn't say anything about meeting someone, his online journal doesn't say much about anything. :-) So, again, keeping this date in perspective is the only sane choice.

The countdown begins

Roger's in town! My old buddy from Reno (who now lives in Salt Lake) is here for a conference. We met for dinner last night and I'll see him again on Wednesday. Great seeing him, he's always fun to chat with. No matter how long it's been since I've seen him it's always like we saw one another just last week.

Looks like Ken and I will be meeting for dinner on Friday. This is a good thing. I'm getting a few days to get my emotions and thoughts in order so that I don't overwhelm him when we meet. I'm torn between how strategic I need to be vs. how organic and honest I need to be. Part of the problem is I'm not totally sure exactly how I feel or how quickly/slowly I would like things to progress. I'm such an analyst. Guess that's why I'm so good at my job. I can take even the simplest of things and over analyze them to death. Not that I think this is a simple situation. There's a lot going on here. I'm experiencing a major shift in my thought process that could radically change most aspects of my life.

Something that I really didn't get from My Guy was just how do you know what it is you want? How do you know that 'A' is better for you than 'B'. I know it sounds like the easiest thing in the world to have choices and pick the one you like best. But it really isn't. Roger and I spoke a bit last night about being at this point in our lives and still being single. I suggested that for me part of the problem is being paralyzed by decision.

Another book I started reading (and have yet to finish) is The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. The premise of the book is that our consumer society is overwhelmed by choices for everything in our lives and that such over-abundance of choice actually leads to a paralysis where we are unable to make any decision. To illustrate his point, the author points out that in his local supermarket there are 285 varieties of cookies. In the chocolate chip category alone there are no less than 21 different options to choose from. How can you possibly do a meaningful evaluation of 285 varieties of cookies? Although I sometimes find myself having difficulty making a buying choice, my friend Donna is the personification of this disability. I'm not kidding when I say that since I've known this wonderful woman (and we're talking about 6 years now) she has been shopping for computers and digital cameras. A coworker recently had a new Dell computer for sale and she took the plunge and bought a new computer! I do totally understand this paralysis though. With so many choices and so many opinions on so many choices, it's a wonder we ever buy anything.

The real question of course is how do I think that pertains to relationships? Let's see if this makes any sense. As Roger and I were talking about being single, he said something that immediately made sense. Roger said that his reluctance to choose to be in a committed and monogamous relationship would mean that... well, he would then be IN a committed and monogamous relationship.

The underlying fear of course is what happens when someone better comes along. Is 'Guy A' standing in front of me the best I can do? What if another "better" person comes along and I'm not able to choose him because I've already "settled" for the guy I'm with. Have we become so accustomed to, or perhaps paralyzed by, our unending choices that we're conditioned to always be looking for the "something better" that's just around the corner and in the process we never realize that the ultimate and perfect choice is not a reality. For that matter, in always searching for the "perfect match" are we just ensuring that we stay single?

Something that has always astonished me was the men who have defined down to the most excruciating detail every physical aspect of the guy they are looking for. I swear that I have seen personal ads where the seeker states (unequivocally) what he is looking for like this: You be: 6'1" to 6'4", 155-175 pounds, blond hair, blue eyes... and you can just imagine where the size requirements go from there. In some ways I admire someone who has such a clear vision of what he is looking for, on the other hand I think it's bull shit.

Finding a guy that you connect with and would like to spend the rest of your life with just can't be boiled down to a series of measurements. Yes, there needs to be an attraction between two people, I'll give you that. But to have narrowed your window of acceptable so dramatically just means that very few (if any) of an already limited population even meet your criteria. It's really just a matter of odds. The less fanatical you are with your acceptability criteria, the more frequently you'll find someone who is a candidate as a partner.